For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
