4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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