the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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