Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
