I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
