Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hippo gnu deer
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
