I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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