So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
