you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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