I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
