at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
