I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
