I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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