i'm signing you up for texting rehab
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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