I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
