So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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