There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
