i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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