life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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