Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
