Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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