Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Welp...herpes.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
