that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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