phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
