I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My dick has a subreddit
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
