the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize