I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize