your parents love me but you hate me
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize