like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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