this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
even my farts smell like vagina
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
