in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
