rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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