in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
