dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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