Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
