I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize