I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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