i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize