Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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