In the future we'll all be gay
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
