Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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