rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize