garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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