I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You're a waste of cheezeits
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
