whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
home. puking in laundry basket.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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