dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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