Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sorry about my life...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
