take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
