his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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