We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
