My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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