it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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