nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
