His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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