The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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