Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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