booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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