Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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