haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
