do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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