running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
