what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
