I am spending my child support on dildos
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
