im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
