Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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