So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
