even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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