Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize