I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i would punch a child for taco bell
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
