Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
