genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
