you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
